(happy music) (laughing) – So, I have a story for you. And here we go, so, okay. So sit back and, I guess that's it. Yeah, sit back, and get ready. (laughing) I used to live in Maryland. This is the area I spent
most of my crouton years. Yeah, I was a small carb
in a big carbed world. Don't eat me, don't freakin' eat me, don't eat me, don't,
don't, you better not okay? Because now I am chocked full of carbs. And that's cannibalism. That's some dark crap. During these years where
I found most of my peace, the moment of true bliss
was my midday Nutty Buddy. Okay, it was nutty, but
it was also my buddy. There might be people out
there that don't even know what a Nutty Buddy is, and that's sad. It's sad. Everybody should have a nutty buddy. It is like a freak, it's a wafer fortress. You get to eat one level to
go to the next, and the next. Hey, crap, you eat one,
you have four more. That's math, and for those
of you who just rush it, and eat the full Nutty Buddy, ha! That's not how you eat it. You know, there isn't much a
kid has to look forward to. Than his midday Nutty Buddy or like extra levels on Goldeneye. So during school one day,
I go to my cubby hole, where my lunch is, okay? I go to the cubby hole, I put my hand in. And usually I hear crinkling. This is the Nutty Buddy
saying "Hey, hey.", but this time was different. I didn't freakin' nothing was there, so I go to my teacher and I tell her that I can't find my lunch, I don't know where my freakin' buddy is. She begins looking all over the place. She goes into the in classroom
bathroom and finds Scotty, Scotty eating my lunch. Freaking Scotty, he was just
like squatting in the corner eating my lunch, eating Buddy. Let me say this about Scotty. He smelt of three year old bologna, he had a head shaped like a peanut, it was full blown peanut,
it was not like a freakin', it was like a freaking peanut shape head. I didn't wanna say anything, because I feared of getting beaten up. I mean this guy was like a mutant. Okay, he was no second grader,
he was no freaking second, he should have been in the fourth grade. Me and everybody else,
little croutons, you know. I didn't even know where this
guy, could he be an alien? He sniffed pixie sticks,
I freaking kid you not. In the bathroom, he
would sniff pixie sticks. He offered me a pixie
stick to sniff up my nose. Abusing candy, not in my
house, not in my house. In my house, we treat candy
with respect, we eat it. We don't shove it up into
places that it doesn't belong. I remember I was so
freakin' mad at this boy. All I freaking hear is the
faint crinkles of my Nutty Buddy yelling out to me. I was just yelling "We gotta save Buddy. "We gotta save him, he's killing Buddy. "Buddy, Buddy!" The teacher called the principal, the principal called the parents, to try to get down to the
bottom of the problem. My mother arrives and
the first thing she sees is me doing schoolwork. And across the table
Scotty still pilfering his sweaty sausage links in my lunch. He's still eating, he's eating
my lunch in front of me. Even after the fact of
catching him in the act of just shoving it, the
principal allowed Scotty to not only eat my lunch, but to continue eating my lunch as I sat there, next to
him, watching him eat. What is this? It wasn't freakin' Guantanamo Bay, it's an elementary school. She just looked over at the principal, and said what the freak is going on? The principal simply states that she does not have all the facts. (laughing) It's freakin'… "There's not enough facts "to support who ate who's lunch." The faint chocolaty battle
that went on right there. The freakin' principal could not believe that Scotty ate my lunch. The principal actually thought that I was just making
up this whole thing. My name was written on the bag, okay? That's a fact. My mom just walked up to me, grabbed me, looked at the principal, said
"I am taking my son to lunch." She then walks over to Scotty, snatches the remaining lunch, (laughs) just as quick,
it was so fast, just pssh, just snatched it out of his pig hooves. And she said "Not in my house."
and freakin' walked off. Just the look in her eyes, was
like Vigo off Ghostbusters 2. Just see hallways of lava,
it was so freakin' scary. Sent chills down my spine. A turd almost popped out, I kid you not. A little nugget of terror
almost plupped out. That's one of my favorite
childhood memories. (happy music)

30 Replies to “THE SNACK THIEF / STORY

  1. YES! I eat the layers separately too. I like to sometimes eat the bottom two together because peanut butter. Not in my house! We treat candy with respect!

  2. I kid you not, I haven't laughed as much in a long time. I'M CRYING TEARS OLAN, SERIOUSLY. JUST… STOP. (I take that back, DON'T STOP!)

  3. olan… rogers… video log… kenny… muppets… family… christmas… slippers…
    Even your tags in the description box are creative.

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