Jesus! Mary and Joseph! And Jesus! (music, sound of food being chopped) Hey! It’s time to cook! Pretty good! Tonight, we’re making seafood. In a steam pot. (music) It’s easy. And it’s good. And it doesn’t take very long, ’cause I’m already kind of drunk. Just a little bit. Let’s have some wine! (sing-song) Got a Bota Box in the fridge.
It’s a Riesling. (music) That needs to chill. I’m gonna put an ice cube in it. Don’t judge me! You’re gonna need some bread! I recommend the French bread for this application. One loaf. Three fiddy, right in the oven. Gonna warm it up. You don’t even need a pan.
Get your pan on! Medium! Gonna need a big pot. A big pot! I’m using a big stainless steel pot. A big one! Still, uh, looking for that garlic internship.
We’ll feed you. And it won’t be dog food. You’re gonna need a lot of garlic. Four cloves or so. Oh yeah, ’cause we’re fancy, got some cheese here. We got some cheese here, that, y’know, I like to eat with the wine. (music) It’s, uh, New York extra cheddary Cheddar.
(music continues) I’m not from Wisconsin, by the way.
(John: Spoilers!) Not Vermont, either! My (thump)…shit. My little brother doesn’t think Vermont exists. He recently was musing, I’m sure he was drunk, saying that he’s never met anyone in his whole life from Vermont. And nobody he’s ever met has met anyone from Vermont. And I reflected over my life, and I came to the same conclusion. I don’t know anyone from Vermont! I don’t think it exists! I think it’s New Hampshire, part two. Them’s fightin’ words. I didn’t mean it! I’m sure Vermont is full of very nice ladies. (singing) Ice cube in the wine…
(music) (singing) Flavor improvement. Alright. A shallot! It tastes amazing. So this is gonna be the tits. Not just any tits. The supreme tits. Now you don’t, you don’t need to chop this finely. Just kinda coarse chop. Well, that’s not really. That’s kind of, like, sliced. Alright. So we got our garlic and shallot. You know what time it is. It’s butter time!
So, stick of butter. Unsalted. You’re gonna add salt. Number one. Stick of butter. Number two. (thump) And, because you can’t cook butter on its own, you gotta saute the butter in the oil, so get some olive oil in there so you can saute your butter. It’s an ancient technique. I’m just channeling the gods of fatassery right now. (dog barks in background) I don’t even know how to make this dish. Add the garlic and shallots. I need something to stir!
Check on your bread. Ooh! Shit!
Alright, bread’s done! Put that in way too early!
Breaaaad! Bread’s gonna live there.
Alright! So you’ve got your butter sautéing in the olive oil, and the onions and the garlic, I mean, the shallots and the garlic sautéing in that, this is called, the double oil saute. Need a lemon. Quarters. Not right now. Tomatoes. In slices. Or chunks. Or really however you want to cut ’em. Alright. Givin’ it the old ‘don’t give a f–k.’ (unintelligible) F–k! No problem. Everything will cook out in your arteries. Jesus! Alright. Maybe I’ll turn up the heat a little bit. We’re fryin’ here. Fry like an eagle. This looks wonderful. Wonderful! (music) That’s not how you’re supposed to drink wine. Alright. Add your tomatoes! Now, tomatoes contain a lot of nice liquid. This’ll kinda sweeten the broth that you’re making, that you’re gonna dip your bread in. (John: Cleaning all the wine off your face?)
Yes. (dog barking in background) Squeeze the lemon juice from one quarter of the lemon. (laughing) That’s enough for now.
Alright. Now. Seafood steam pot can be any seafood you want. I recommend always doing shrimp and mussels. Additionally, you could add fish, clams, lobster, crab, oysters, I mean, really, any seafood. Cook it all together. Alright, so we got this going here, we’re gonna add the secret ingredient. Old Bay Seasoning. Some Old Bay – heaping helping of that seasoning there. Uh, it’s a mixture of spices, (slurred) incruding, including celery seed, paprika, it’s just good. Oh man, I forgot the wine!
We should have put wine in this, like, a long time ago. But, sometimes cooking adventures don’t go like we plan them. So we’re gonna add it now.
This is a Riesling, it’s a white wine. And we’re just gonna, really pour it in there. So that was probably a glass.
Or so. Now we’re gonna, we got it on high heat now, we’re gonna let that alcohol cook for a second. While that’s simmering, cooking down, start opening your packs of seafood. We found the mussels!
What else we got? Aww, these are the, I got these, not even ’cause I like to eat em, but ’cause they look good. Crawdaddies!
Crawdaddies. Large skrimps. What’d we got in this one? It’s like Christmas. Opening all the presents that we bought! Some…oysters! Now, last pack is some fish I think, some white fish. Probably swai. It’s the cheapest fish you can buy. Alright, time to start adding seafood to this mess. So, the swai. Here’s some big filets. You can cut it, or if you’re a man, just rip the fish. I’m a man. It’s fine. Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! I’m just kidding, I’m chopping it now. (chuckles) Fish! In she goes. Oysters! (thump, thump)
Okay. And the mussels. (clacking)
Haha, you were alive moments ago! Skrimps! Oh yeah, baby.
These beautiful crawdaddies! They look fun. Okay! So you see the pot’s overloaded.
We’re gonna push everything down into the good stuff, right. The crawdaddies are the least important part. They’re already cooked. But it looks good! Okay. Maximum heat possible. Put a lid on it.
(lid clanking) Now we play the waiting game. Just kidding. More lemon!
(singing) For flavor! Just throw that lemon in there.
That was a quarter of a lemon. This’ll probably take five minutes. But it could take ten minutes. You gotta actually watch your food. You gotta look at the pot. You might have to look at it two or three times. While you’re waiting, chop your warmed bread.
Into pieces! (slam) Get a bread knife.
Goddammit! Into pieces that will be appropriate to eat. Seriously, take the time to warm up your bread.
It makes a world of difference! (enthusiastically) Nice! You got your bread. I personally like to serve this food on a platter.
More wine! (disgusted tone) Ugh, there’s onion skin. (giggles) How did this happen? (music) It’s a more tolerable temperature. It’s been a couple minutes, let’s check!
Not done, gotta stir it! Live seafood, such as oysters, and mussels, is done when it opens. So, this mussel opened up. Look at that guy. That’s hard to see on the angle, but you see he opened up? He’s good! Shrimp’s not done, oysters ain’t done, it’s gonna take a little bit longer to cook. It’s got several barnacles. That’s gonna take forever. But we’ll be alright! Oh, and just ’cause. We forgot to salt. Keep steamin’, baby! Dogs, who wants a cheese? Here you go! (vocalizing dramatic music) Dogs love cheese. We raised ’em right. Five to ten minutes, look at that!
The shrimp, they’re pink, ready to eat. Mussels are open, ready to eat.
Most of your oysters are fairly open. Might need something else to make them ready to eat. So yeah! Seafood’s done!
Cool! So we take our good stuff, put it on a platter. This may take twelve years. We’ve filled our platter to the brim. And there’s more left over. Time to pour in the broth. Oh my god, it’s more broth than we can handle. Alright, now, if you want to be extra super fancy, put a little pepper on that broth. Completely unnecessary. And there you have it, my friends, this is a seafood steam pot with bread on the side, and you’re just gonna eat it. I have a skrimp, put in the broth.
(dramatic music builds) Tastes wonderful, wonderful.
(music building) Got all this bread to dip in here.
(music reaches a peak) Also wonderful. God bless you and your family. And your parents. Who are also your family. (outro music begins) (music)