[Please keep these English subtitles
accurate for deaf / HoH viewers] [If you want the hilarious subtitles,
switch to the English (Canada) CC] SHINOMIYA: All right, we’re back.
Now don’t say the S-word. This kitchen is a rental. *A rental*. SŌMA: Got it. SHINOMIYA: Cool. So as I was saying… In regard to your issue of a challenge… Pfft, no. SŌMA: But why, dude!? SHINOMIYA: ‘Cause I don’t gotta, *dude*. Besides, one look at what I’m cooking and you go
down faster than a gâteau basque at a fat camp. [Whooshing sound] [Car door closes] [Tires screech] [Car whooshes] [Crash] [Rapid footsteps] [Rapid footsteps / panting] [Door opens] [Keypad sounds] AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted. [Mechanical door opens] [Rapid footsteps] [Another door opens] DŌJIMA: HA-HA! That’s what she said! (Panting) Did I make it? (Panting) I made it. Ha-ha! Awesome. INUI: Oh? Hello! Where am I? MEGUMI: D-Dōjima? And Sex Offender Teacher Lady? DŌJIMA: In the flesh, Crying Child! So, Shinomiya… I think I heard that
this kid wants to pound your ass. SHINOMIYA: Oh, I mean he wants to try, but– DŌJIMA: Finish that sentence
in my office, CONSARN YOU! SHINOMIYA: I wasn’t going to accept. DŌJIMA: *What*? You’re not going
to grant the last request of this… …d-dying cancer boy?! SŌMA: What? DŌJIMA: Roll with it, boy! I think he’s buying it. INUI: Yeah! You should let the boy pound your ass! DŌJIMA: Pound your ass indeed, Shinomiya! Well, majority rules, so… SHINOMIYA: Alright, alright; look, if you’re just
gonna *bully me* into a fight *with a CHILD*, then we need to establish some ground rules. DŌJIMA: Naturally! If Sōma wins, then Megumi’s expulsion is rescinded, and, he gets your Pluspol Medal! SŌMA: Medal!? MEDAAAAAALLL!!
SHINOMIYA: Fine. Then if I win, I have to memorize zero names, because I get to expel the *both* of them! DŌJIMA: I see your double-expulsion, and raise you
a two-week all-expenses-paid trip to Miami, Florida! SHINOMIYA: *One* week, and I get every
last slice of American cheese in this resort. I can finally exterminate all the worst parts
of this godforsaken place in a single bet. DŌJIMA: Done! Hinako, summon
the Camp Council of Elders. We meet in the Repurposed
Underground Sex Dungeon at dawn! [baritone] Behollld! [normal] We’re here! Don’t worry about interference. No one comes down here.
Not after the re-purposing, anyway. DAVE: (Painful orgasm) DŌJIMA: …D’okay; *one* guy comes
down here, but he’s a weirdo. MEGUMI: (Gasp) W-w-what are the C-c-camp Councilors doing here? DŌJIMA: Allow me to explain… Assembled in this great hall
of a Repurposed Sex Dungeon, there are gathered the world’s
three most powerful forces of judging, created from the iron furnace of the Tōtsuki Academy! MIZUHARA: You forgot my name. Didn’t you, Dōjima? INUI: (Monkey screeches) DŌJIMA: Feel free to use anything
in this dungeon to make your dish… DAVE: (Painful orgasm) DŌJIMA: Goddammit, Dave!
Repurpose your *own* sex dungeon! SŌMA: Alright, Frenchy! Dish me your worst.
I can take *anything* you throw at me! DŌJIMA: Oh, and one more thing… Have fun! Because everything you
care about in this world is on the line. No pressure! MEGUMI: (Panicked breaths) ‘This is too much…’ ‘I don’t… I don’t think I can do this…’ ‘I’m facing against a Michelin-starred
chef, for Pete’s sakes…!’ ‘This is hopeless!’ ‘Oh, no… The light is descending in…!’ ‘Th-This is the end!’ SŌMA: Hey! Hello? Hello; are you there, Megumi? Megumi, I don– If you’re not gonna talk, I’m gonna scream
louder and louder until you get to know me! Hey, Megumi! Megumi, if I say “hey” one
more time, IT’S GONNA BE REALLY LOUD! HEEY!!
[Smack] MEGUMI: Ouch? SŌMA: I’m talking here. You gotta
get in the game, Megusta! We gotta– MEGUMI: Well, I wanted to– SŌMA: No, no, no, no, no; you don’t need to
think; just do what *I* tell you and we’ll win. I got this in the bag. You can just, uhh… take a break! ‘Cause, you know… It’s not like you can do anything, anyways. [echo thoughts] ‘Anyways, anyways, anyways…’ [Flashback thoughts]
MEGUMI: I-I cook too… SŌMA: SHUSH, MEGUMI! Guy’s talking.
Be a little more respectful. Hey, Megumi. I stayed up *allll* night
cooking up a new recipe. Clean up the kitchen behind me.
Gotta go to bed. MEGUMI: I bet Sōma’s having
a pretty rough time on his own! SŌMA: HEEY, MEGUMII! I passed! Hey, Megumi! Could you hold the
sizzling bacon while it cools off? MEGUMI: Sure! Oh, let me just get a plate. SŌMA: Oh, thanks! Here! MEGUMI: Not on my hands! AAH! I made everyone rice balls! SŌMA: I ate everyone’s rice balls! SHOOT THE BEAR! THE *BEAR* IS THE EVIL ONE! [Machine gun firing]
MEGUMI: NOOOOOOO! [Present; echo thoughts] ‘…Anyways, anyways, anyways.’ [Snap] MEGUMI: [sotto] Shut up. SŌMA: Huh? What was that, Megumi?
I couldn’t hear you. C’mon, speak up! MEGUMI: I said… shut the FUCK UP, SŌMA! SŌMA: Uh? MEGUMI: I’m DONE letting you boss me around! SŌMA: Wa– Ho– Hold on a minute,
tha– now that’s jus-s-st rude. MEGUMI: NO!! You don’t get to say a *damn* word! You’re going to listen to *everything* I have to say! DO YOU HEAR ME, UNDERBITCH?! SŌMA: “U-underbi–“? MEGUMI: Na-uh-uh! Not. A. Single. *Word*. Got that? SŌMA: Mm-hmm! MEGUMI: Good! Now let’s kick some French vegan butt! SŌMA: Nnnn! MEGUMI: I’ll start on the tomatoes. Sōma!
SŌMA: Hm? MEGUMI: Prepare the shoulder cut
and remove the tendons. SŌMA: Hm! MEGUMI: Next, start on the liver.
When you finish that, prepare the fat pack. SŌMA: Mhmhm! SHINOMIYA: ‘God, this dish takes a while to boil.’ DŌJIMA: 99… 100! Ready or not, here I come! I mean, uh… Time is up! Present your dishes! GOTŌDA: Is that a… lettuce burrito? MIZUHARA: Gotōda, you’re a French chef.
You should know this dish. SEKIMORI: Let the burrito tasting… commence. Hajime! MIZUHARA: I hate… all of you. *So much*. GOTŌDA: (Sniffs) (Pleasurable sigh) DAVE: (Painful orgasm) GOTŌDA: Dave’s not the only one
coming this time. Ohhh, baby… DŌJIMA: This cabbage… ♫ …has put a spell on meeee! ♫ ♫ And now, you’re miiiinnneee! ♫ INUI: ♫ It put a spell on meeee ♫ ♫ And now I’m… Cabbage RED! ♫ MIZUHARA: I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this… C… C-Cabbage Blue. DŌJIMA: [macho tone] Cabbaaaage-u…! PINK-U! GOTŌDA: Also, I’m here! ALL: Magical Cabbage Assembled! SEKIMORI: Wha– What’s going on?
Should I have brought a costume? SHINOMIYA: Oh, come on, guys! A choreographed
transformation sequence AND a song? If I had known you were gonna do all that,
I would have made something special! DŌJIMA: Honestly, that was
more for us than anything else. We spent too much money
on those cabbage costumes to have them rot away in a sex dungeon. SEKIMORI: D-did you have one of those for me, or… Why am I never let in on the costume situation? DŌJIMA: Crying Child and Other – present your dish, so that it may be judged by the Camp Council of Elders, and so we may decide your fate. SŌMA: Mmgm! Mmmgmgm! GOTŌDA: Hmm.
SEKIMORI: Interesting… SHINOMIYA: What is that? INUI: It’s lasagna! MIZUHARA: Seriously? SHINOMIYA: Oh. So you’re *actively
trying* to fuck with me. I assigned a terrine on my recette,
and you think you can do better than me! MEGUMI: Uhh! T-t-that’s not it! My whole life up to this point has been a struggle. [Flashback] CHEF: You get an “E”. And that’s a BAD thing. STUDENT A: Wow, is that Megumi? I heard she failed. STUDENT B: And she’s letting down the whole school. STUDENT C: I thought “E” was for *Egg*! SHINOMIYA: [as Cooking Mama] You failin’ stuff
because I’m *the*, not *a*, a THE A BIG, A FAT, ME! And don’t you forget it. [Present] MEGUMI: But it’s all made me stronger.
Made me more confident. I’ve overcome every obstacle
that I’ve faced up to this point, and I’ll overcome this, too! DŌJIMA: The winner is… Shinomiya! MEGUMI: Uh wha? DŌJIMA: *I said, the winner is Shinomiya*! MEGUMI: But– SEKIMORI: The difference in skill was too vast. MIZUHARA: There was nothing
you could have done. I’m sorry. GOTŌDA: Also, I’m here! Hey… MEGUMI: ‘But that means Sōma’s…’ SŌMA: [sad] Mmm… MEGUMI: I tried so hard… and it wasn’t enough… SHINOMIYA: Listen, I’m sure Dōjima doesn’t want tears added to whatever toxic cocktail is caked into the floor. So how about you and the Red-Haired Kid
cry it out *together* on the way home? Ouh-buh-by–! [Clack]
MEGUMI: Huh? SHINOMIYA: ‘Scuse me? DŌJIMA: Surprise-Guest-Judge Dōjima
votes for the Crying Child! SHINOMIYA: You cannot be serious. DŌJIMA: It’s probably been hard… …you *stagnating* the way you are. SHINOMIYA: What did you just say to me? DŌJIMA: Were you trying to keep it a secret?
Well, trust me, it was obvious. The way you were when you graduated, you had a fire
in your belly and you were gonna take on the world. And now… Well… Try it! SHINOMIYA: (Stumbles) With that
excuse of a recette, I’m not going to–! DŌJIMA: Try it! SHINOMIYA: You better not a say it a third time, or– DŌJIMA: *Try it*. SHINOMIYA: Oh shit, now it’s really funny. DŌJIMA: What do you have to say, Shinomiya? SHINOMIYA: I don’t need to say anything.
That dish speaks for itself. It has the love of someone who not only cares
for cooking, but for those who eat the dishes. Well done, Tadokoro. I’ll be seeing you in class. INUI: I ALSO VOTE FOR THE CUTE GIRL! (Laughter) (Heavy perverted laughter) SHINOMIYA: *I already said she wasn’t expelled*! Never mind. I-I try to be nice for once
in my goddamn life and this happens. DŌJIMA: Congratulations on your continued
enrollment in our school, M-m-m-megumi! We’re proud to have you as a member of Tōtsuki! MEGUMI: ‘I did it, Mama.
I finally earned my place in Tōtsuki!’ COOKING MAMA: Great! You gave it your best effort! MEGUMI: (Sobbing in joy) DAVE: (The usual) SEKIMORI: Kind of awkward… Why did we just stand there and watch a girl cry? …For an hour? DŌJIMA: Ha-ha! Etiquette! Never leave a girl alone in a sex dungeon. SEKIMORI: By the way, it was awfully nice
of you to let them back into the school, Dōjima. DŌJIMA: Was it? After all, their biggest challenge yet is right around the corner. MEZMOREEYEZ: Greetings, people
of the Internet. Dōjima here! If you liked this episode, then like this episode! If you subscribe this episode, then do that also! And if you wanna be just as
cool as *Dōjima Fuckin’ Gin*, then don’t forget to tip the chef on Patreon! Toodaloo, buckaroos!